Children and Chores

A few days ago, a friend of mine lamented that she was stopping her new year’s resolution, i.e. to cook more often for her family. When asked, she said that it is because the last time she made the effort, she didn’t get any help at all from her family members – they just ate the meal she had made the painstaking efforts to prepare, and then they left the washing up to her as well. She said she felt like a ‘coolie’.

In the world today where mostly both parents go out to work, we have become dependent on the assistance of the hired help to look after the children and the house. Whereby our parents had clear cut roles while they were bringing us up (mostly without the help of a maid), we on the other hand can’t help it because our lives today are such that having a maid has become a necessity, not a luxury. Even I who don’t have a 9 to 5 job have a part time cleaner who comes in and does the cleaning and ironing for me as I tackle other more pressing matters.

I remember the times when I was growing up, with a bunch of other kids in the house. As we didn’t have a maid, our grandma did everything for us. But as we grew older, house chores were delegated to us – mostly the girls – my cousin, who was the oldest, took charge of the cooking. My older sister was responsible for the laundry, and me…being the youngest, was responsible for making sure that there was enough firewood for the stove. Keeping the house clean (sweeping the floors, tidying up etc) was shared by everybody, though I must say my sister was fond of cleaning the house twice a day. As the older two girls moved out of the house, I was the only girl left. By then I was proficient in the art of cooking ehem…I meant cooking simple meals for us (me and my grandparents), and keeping the house tidy also became a responsibility that I did with pride. Grandma laundered her own things (on hindsight, maybe she didn’t trust me with her fine fabrics!), and I did grandpa’s laundry as well as my own. I didn’t complain, and I did them with a great sense of duty. When I went to the boarding school at the age of 12, I had even more practice at doing everything myself. As and when I went home for the weekend, or the school holidays, I resumed my duties at tackling the household chores with pride, and the sense that I was helping my grandparents. I also felt like I was giving grandma a break, and I knew she loved it that I spoiled her by taking charge of the house again. And I never had a helper for a looong time, until I had the baby. My younger sister came and lived with me for over a year to look after the baby. Since then, I have had no live-in maid, just part time cleaners.

While I understand the economic/social dependency on live-in maids, I believe that this point has not been explained to our children fully. Yes, having a maid means the children can focus on their school, but does that justify raising children who will not lift a finger to help out with house chores at all? I also believe that it is only in Asia that those who can afford to have maids will have one. In Europe and America, for example, part time help, let alone live-in maids, are expensive, so most families do all the house chores themselves. Some families I have come across with in Asia have a maid just for the sake of having a maid – not out of necessity. So, my question is...what is this doing to our children? Can they survive on their own once they leave home? Or will they be coming home with a bagful of dirty laundry for the maid to do? And who is going to clean their room/house? Do they know what to use to mop the floor with? Heck, do they even know what a mop looks like? I’m not even going to even mention the art of cooking.

When I was living in Singapore, I became friends with a nice German family with two children. I remember the wife/mother told me a story of how shocked she was to discover that for three weeks when they were on holiday back in Germany, her children were incapable of looking after themselves. Their rooms were strewn with dirty clothes, the beds were never made, and the bathrooms were filthy. Why? It’s all because in Singapore, they had a live-in maid who did all the cleaning up for them. They got used to having a maid around that they did not bother to do anything. My German friend assessed the situation and when they got back to Singapore, the parents promptly made a regulation that the children were responsible for the cleanliness of their own bedrooms and bathrooms. They had to get up 30 minutes earlier every morning to make their own beds, and clean up their rooms and make sure their bathrooms were clean before they went to school. And it worked.

Teenage Son turned 16 this month…I must say he’s turning out…not bad at all. When he is with me, he’s always the one doing the dishes after lunch or dinner. And he’s responsible for keeping his room clean, or Mommy dearest will blow her top. He’s even asked me to teach him how to cook fried rice, and whenever I’m cooking, he’d sometimes come and stir the gravy (and said he’s cooked it! Hahaha), or at mealtimes, he’d set up the table, get the drinks for everybody and after the meal, ALWAYS thanks me for cooking the meal. And when he feels like getting something from the kitchen, he’d always ask if I wanted a cup of tea, or if he could get me some cheese, or…well, you get the idea. He used to be quite a spoiled child (mom’s guilt trip!), but over the years, my ‘training’ of him has shown fruitful results. To my future daughter-in-law, you’re welcome!

Another friend of mine also has two children, and they too have a live-in maid. However, she has drawn up a ‘house duty’ schedule that the children have to do everyday. When the task is achieved, the child gets a star, and after collecting a number of stars, the child can redeem them for a treat. This is a very good motivation for the children, and I do hope, as the children grow older and more mature, they will understand the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, and how they should always strive for the intrinsic, though the extrinsic is not necessarily bad.

My point is…think of every household chore as an opportunity to build character. Enlist your children’s help with house chores…not to unload these chores on them, but to make them realize that these in fact are not ‘chores’, but tasks that, once accomplished, show our children that they matter, and their contribution to the family matters too, however small, however mundane it might be. And as a token of appreciation, they can stay up one hour later on one school night to watch their favorite programme. How about that?

Comments are welcome.